Nut jokes

Me: I’m going to get burrito 🌯

Friend: You can have my burrito baby.

Gay.

Friend: *begins to moan*

Me: Finna hang up.

A big hefty porker left his balls exposed and said,

"Misses!! Come here and step upon mine balls, please!!! I pay top dollar for this extreme delight!"

She pippity popped his balls like there was no tomorrow.

And he said "yuh yuh ay ay crush these nuts nuts!"

What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?

Ones that contain nuts.

What did the bus driver say to the nut 🥜?

"Where do you live?"

If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction after eating 12-year-old nuts.

Can I put deez nuts in yo cluts?

"Hey, what's the Russian president's name?" "Putin?" "Yeah, Putin deez nuts in yo mouth!"

"Dees nutz, got 'em!"

Have you played the game Imagine Dragons? Imagine draggin' deez nuts!

Me: U know the show called Imagine Dragons?

Friends: No, what is it?

Me: Imagine dragon this nuts across yo mouth.

Have you heard of Imagine Dragons (the band)? Imagine dragging these nuts across your face.