Nut jokes
A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!
"Ow! You hit the spot!"
Me: Do you like smash?
Friend: Smash Rolls?
Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!
Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)
My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.
What do you call a burger 🍔 with one eye?
A one giant.
B b b b bird bird bird, the bird banged your mom!
Do you like Wendy's when these nuts hit your face?
Have you seen the Xbox game Sea of Thieves?
Sea if these nuts fit on yo mouth.
Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.
The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."
She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"
A: Do you eat food?
B: Yes...
A: You can sit on deez nuts then!
B: Omg I have depression now.
I just busted a nut. A ginger nut.
Who is Joe?
You reply back: Who is Candice?
They reply back: Who is Candice?
You say: "Candice nuts fit into Joe Mama's mouth."
What did the squirrel say to the dog?
"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"
What do you call physically handicapped, homophobic, heterosexual men and women in wheelchairs?
Mixed nuts.
The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"
Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"
"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."
"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"
Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].
What's bad? A nut allergy.
Chris started to tell me a joke about a nut, but he couldn't finish it.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought a donut was dough shaped like a nut.