Not jokes

This is two heads.

Deaf. "Deep water." ""

- "78 years."

Are you interested again? ""

"If you go ... you are there."

"No. 85 is good."

What is the most important value? It does not take cheese.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

Not a joke, but here's a good workout, I guess:

Sit-ups: 50

Push-ups: 40

Squats: 30

Do 5 sets.

"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many PROBLEMS and not enough RAP.

What do asses and secrets have in common?

Both are better when not leaked!

Why can lesbians not drive cars?

They always strap the wrong thing on.

Germans be like, “Guten Morgan.”

Bitch, that's not my name.

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:

Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.

Why can't an orphan be a criminal? Because they are not wanted.

Your mom does not need the internet. She's already worldwide.

Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not with a "c"?

Because you can't C in the dark!

Do you wanna eat makeup, 'cause you're not pretty on the inside?

What's the difference between a criminal and an orphan?

One is wanted and one's not.

Roses are red, violets are blue. You belong in a zoo, but don't worry, I'll be there too. Just not in a cage, I'll be laughing at you.

Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

Yo mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Too many people.

Not enough VooDoo dolls.