Not jokes
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?
Because they hate their lives and want to die.
Dark jokes are like food, not everybody gets it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍
Why didn't Donald Trump pick up his phone when Jeffrey Epstein called him?
Because Donald killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison to hide the evidence.
Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.
Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.
Boy: ...
Boy: Get the hell out!
One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)
Why is the iPhone 7 not a smartphone?
It doesn't know jack.
I have two things I wanna say:
1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.
2. wtf
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Dang... if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put D IN U ;)
I only know there are 25 letters in the alphabet, I don't know Y.
(Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?) -- (Friend: 11- T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T)
(Me: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?) -- (Crush: No, there is actually 26.) -- (Me: oooOoh, I forgot u r a qt! So its acdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz?) -- (Crush: You forgot the D) -- (Me: That's not needed yet ;])
What letter is really hot? T
C = cOCK O = CoCK C = COcK K = COCk COCK = cock cock = COCK
ME SExUAL SRrY LoL
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many PROBLEMS and not enough RAP.
This is two heads.
Deaf. "Deep water." ""
- "78 years."
Are you interested again? ""
"If you go ... you are there."
"No. 85 is good."
What is the most important value? It does not take cheese.
"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Who will hit the ground first, the girl or the apple?
I don't know, it depends if the girl is emo or not. If she is emo, the rope will catch her.