Not jokes
One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)
Why is the iPhone 7 not a smartphone?
It doesn't know jack.
I have two things I wanna say:
1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.
2. wtf
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Memes
Dang... if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put D IN U ;)
I only know there are 25 letters in the alphabet, I don't know Y.
(Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?) -- (Friend: 11- T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T)
(Me: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?) -- (Crush: No, there is actually 26.) -- (Me: oooOoh, I forgot u r a qt! So its acdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz?) -- (Crush: You forgot the D) -- (Me: That's not needed yet ;])
What letter is really hot? T
C = cOCK O = CoCK C = COcK K = COCk COCK = cock cock = COCK
ME SExUAL SRrY LoL
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
Not a joke, but here's a good workout, I guess:
Sit-ups: 50
Push-ups: 40
Squats: 30
Do 5 sets.
Do you wanna eat makeup, 'cause you're not pretty on the inside?
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not with a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!
What do you do when you are angry with an orphan? Hit them.
It's not like they can tell their parents.
This is not a joke. Have you ever thought about it? You’re an emo while wearing black. So what if you are black? Does that mean you’re an emo because you are black and emos wear black? ;)
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Why was the noble gas not emo?
Because they were thinking RIGHT.
What do parents and dark humor have in common? Not everyone gets them.
Why is it okay to hit an orphan?
It's not like they will tell their parents.
Why do orphans not play baseball?
Because they don't know the way home!
What is gayer than man sex ring?
Not slapping the ass at Hooters.