Not Jokes

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

What did the funny bone say to the skin?

"You're not humerus, I am!"

What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.

Friend: What goes up but not down?

You: Your age.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

A man in a gray suit and tie is shown from the chest up. Text overlaid on the image reads: "I'm on WJE because I have too much time. You are on WJE because it's fun. We are not the same."

Bob has no arms.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"It's not Bob."

Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.

I may not be your cup of tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot of tequila.

Not a joke.

Any girls looking for a steamy hot man?

Some rules of childhood cricket:

1. Whose bat, his batting.

2. Mother called to go while fielding. Then the turn will not be missed.

3. If the Umpire's decision is not acceptable, the decision of the Spectator, Front Uncle, or Neighbor Aunt shall be final.

Why don't rappers ever gamble?

Because they're always dropping beats, not bets.

I'm not completely useless....

I can be used as a bad example!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on the scale it says, "We want your weight not your phone number."

When can an elephant use an umbrella and not get wet?

When it's not raining.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

When is a door not a door?

If a dog is white with black spots, then it is 90% great and 10% guilty because it half way starts crimes and is a mistake to the world and is punished by the white dogs that are full white and not mixed colors.