Not jokes

I don't see why Africans complain about not having water. They have free chocolate milk.

Roses are red, the sky is blue, what do you do? Oh, never mind, I'm not homo like you.

Schools be like "dRuGS arE BaD," then prescribe a 6-year-old Adderall for not wanting to sit in the same spot for 8 hours.

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

Why did the strawberry 🍓 go out with a banana? Because it could not find a date.

Lemme just say one thing:

Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.

Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris, but not about Bruce Lee?

Bruce Lee was no joking matter.

What does NASA stand for?

Not Another Strong Astronaut.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it, but I'm not too worried. I think she is joking.

Sally fell off the swing.

Sally has no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

What is a difference between a tree and a car? A car 🚙 can drive and [a] tree 🌲 can not drive.

What is the difference between a tree 🌲 and a car 🚘?

A car can drive, and a tree 🌳 cannot drive.

Why did your friend eat the burger?

Because he wanted to murder all burgers and was starting with this one!

Not really. He was just hungry.

If Dusty's dad from Home Alone 2 was in NASA, how come he is not famous?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

Joe Biden said he was going to a petting zoo.

Trump said schools are not petting zoos.

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"

I adopted a dog. It's gone now.

At least homeless people in China are not starving.

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.

He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"

Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."

Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."

*Operator hears a distant gunshot*

Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"