News

News jokes

There were 5 people on an airplane.

1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."

He was in the infantry.

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

Good news! There's a new program to help autistic people. It's called Action T-4.

Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!

  • 1

    • "I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

    "Give me the good news first," the patient said.

    "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

    "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

    "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

    So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

    Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

    Frank: Yo

    Fred: Hi...

    Frank: U heard about de competition?

    Fred: Yeah...

    Frank: You wanna hang out?

    Fred: .......

    Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

    Fred: ...I(

    Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

    Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

    *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

    The whole lot collapsed and buried him.