News jokes
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycoxagain.
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
What did the rapper name his new DOG?
Lil Bark.
ISIS recently brought out a new shampoo.
Head and Shoulders!
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
They're making a new Alien movie.
There are so many aliens you can't keep track.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
Why are people from New York so bad at chess?
Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).
Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.
Why did the rapper become a pilot?
Because he wanted to take his flow to new heights!
I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.
(Extra Cholesterol)
I asked Daveon if he ever considered trying something new, and he replied "why fix what ain't broke?"
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the concert?
Because he wanted to reach new heights in his performance.
What does the suicidal person say on New Years?
"New year, no me."
I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie.
It’s called Finding Chemo.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀
I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."
She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."
How did the hamburger know he needed new pants?
His buns were too tight.