My jokes
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?
A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.
My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.
Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.
Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?
Kids: Yeah!
Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!
Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.
*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*
Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.
Boosterthon asks to raise up to $35,000.
I donate $35,000. I ask, "What's my prize?" Boosterthon worker says, "Here's a headband." Me: "I donated the goal, so is that it?" Boosterthon worker: "No, it's $35,000 per person." I pass out. Boosterthon worker goes back to work like it is a regular day.
The humor of this generation of kids shouldn't be called 'brain rot'; it should be called 'brain rape.' I believe most people of this generation that aren't 5-year-olds could agree with me, but my mind and thoughts have been violated by the things that kids these days find funny and entertaining. #SKIBIDDI
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor's house.
Police: Where is your neighbor's house?
Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
Police: *Arrests me*
Haha, I have my own joke category now!
All-star gay mix
Somebody once told me The world is gonna rape me The dick's the hardest part of the body She looked like she's having fun With her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" in her bumhole.
Well, I started cumming And she started cumming Fed with dick, she's in love with bumming Didn't make sense not to live for bum Your dick gets hard, but your ass gets numb.
So much to fuck, so much to suck So what's wrong with eating the asshole? You'll never know if you don't try You'll never taste if you don't lick.
Hey now, you're a porn star Get your sex on, bum pain Hey now, you're a porn star Suck a schlong, ass frail And all that glitters is cum Only sperm heads break the female egg.
It's a gay place and they say it gets gayer You're licking bum now, wait 'til your a bit older But the bent boys beg to differ Judging by the hole in the homeless man's throat.
The sperm in the bath is getting pretty thin The sperms getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on cocaine, how about yours? That's the way I like it and I never get raped!
Hey now, you're a porn star Get your sex on, bum pain Hey now, you're a porn star Suck a willy, ass frale And all that glitters is cum Only sperm heads break the female egg.
I like the iceberg... my favorite character was the iceberg!
A father of a young girl comes to meet the doctor.
Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?
Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.
Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried!
When I went to basketball training, there was a giant bag of basketballs on the floor.
My friend was like, "That’s a huge sack of balls."
He didn’t realize what was about to happen.
I'm 14. I have had sex before. I have 206 bones in my body, but when I'm with my gf, I have 207.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going home and walk home and I got home.
Dad: You're adopted.
Son: Where are my real parents?
Dad: >:D They are dead, now come to their grave and sleep there.
I suck poop in my butthole, aka porn.
I thought that kid was walking cool when I had my ears shut. It turns out he was moaning.
Abraham Lincoln was a good man, he jumped out the window with his dick in his hand and walked up to a group of ladies and said I'm doing my duty so why don't you give me some booty?
My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.
Now she's having a breakfast.