My jokes

There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?

They sync properly.

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

What's the difference between a red Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a red Ferrari in my car.