My jokes

Where’s the English Channel?

Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”

I swear every time I walk past a guy, they stare at my ass. I always keep wondering why it hurts so much.

My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.

What has 148 teeth and🥴🥴 holding back a monster? My zipper.

We were versing year 8 at footy, and they were mostly black, so I told my white friend to WATCH OUT!!!

What did a Jedi say to Darth Vader? "You're not my father, I am yours!"

Happy birthday to you, you look like a ball, can’t fit in my jaws, I try to suck it.

EVERYONE:

"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

I’m back and have a joke my friend said!

Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.

Person 2: What was it?

Person 1: He went as himself.

My girlfriend asked for a kiss, so I gave her my dick.

I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"

They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.

Yo, hairline is a distraction to my barber because he wanna fix it so bad (because of how bad it looks).

My pansexual son was asked to form a sentence with a word "Carry" on his zoom class earlier on today and he said "Pessi was carried by Iniesta and Neymar to his Mickey Mouse UCL". He received a standing ovation. Children are our hope and I'm proud of the education system!

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.

Your so fat, my sister said. I said, "So at least I ain't fatter than your momma."