My jokes

Have you heard about my new can crushing job?

It's soda-pressing.

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

At night, before I got in bed with my girl, I had 206 bones, but I developed a 207th bone.

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.

My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.

We were versing year 8 at footy, and they were mostly black, so I told my white friend to WATCH OUT!!!

I kicked my leg into my dad's balls in 1999.

"So what, ah, my G?"

What has 148 teeth and🥴🥴 holding back a monster? My zipper.

Where’s the English Channel?

Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”

What did a Jedi say to Darth Vader? "You're not my father, I am yours!"

Happy birthday to you, you look like a ball, can’t fit in my jaws, I try to suck it.

I swear every time I walk past a guy, they stare at my ass. I always keep wondering why it hurts so much.

Guys stop before I tell my parents!

I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.

I’m back and have a joke my friend said!

Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.

Person 2: What was it?

Person 1: He went as himself.

My girlfriend asked for a kiss, so I gave her my dick.

It’s funny my sister wanted to have sex with me.

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.