My jokes

Sans: haha... Paps: what? Sans: i KNEW it was gonna rain today. Paps: that's nearly impossible, how? Sans: i could feel it in my bo- Paps: OH MY GOD STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

"My dick fell off in the shower!" suddenly a bright flash of white lights. You see God smiling at you. "Joseph, where is your wiener, little one?" He says, chuckling lightly.

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"

"It was only the Bass!"

My dad went to get milk from Tesco’s.

He never came back.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

Yo Father, don't use the baptism bath. I cleaned my anal plug in there.

What?

The holy water gets all the ass off. Don't mind the white stuff. *clears throat*

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Penis enters my dad and sister.

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.

I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.

"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."