My jokes

Bestie Hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, "My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!"

The rain is my tears.

My brother likes his Vegemite so black, it stole our car.

I lost my job at the bank today. A lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My sister said that if you go to a random person's door, the sister will all Waze open it.

What does General Grievous say after he gets his penis growth pills?

A fine addition to my erection.

I woke up when I heard a strange noise coming from my kitchen.

I turned on the light, and I saw none other than the exposed flop GHOSTNALDO. He asked me if I had PenalTEA, his favorite drink. I said no and yelled, "There is a big game tomorrow!" and he disappeared.

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!

My son and I went on a tour to the Old Trafford Stadium. We were admiring the 76,000 seat arena when he suddenly pointed at the pitch.

“Dad, who is that man camping there?” I said, “Son, that is Bruno Penandes. He lives in that Penalty box. He only performs in small games.”

One time my receipt broke before I even got to my truck.

I would curse at you, but my country praises cows.

Me: *writes Kahoot about me then finishes.*

Me and friend: *plays Kahoot.*

A question: When is (my name) happy?

Friend: *puts a good answer and gets wrong.*

Answer: Never, only a portion.

Friend: Do you need help?

My teacher: Time can't count.

Me: Every second counts.

My teacher: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh!

Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.

I tried to dress hot so my boyfriend would cast some attention upon me, but it just made him sweat.

Wanna hear a short joke? Well duh, I mean that's why you're on here... Well, here one...

My life.

My friend walked down the street and peed on a car.