My jokes

I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.

Tell me a joke.

My life.

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.

I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Here's her number.

Sike, that's the wrong number!

ooooooooooooooooooooo

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

Why is everyone trying to make a big deal out of this? My family were only flying to Pakistan and crashed into 2 towers.

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.

The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."

The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."

The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."

The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."

The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."

The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."

The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."

Me: Jaiden telling orphan jokes to my friend.

That orphan behind me...

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.

FaceBook Story: My mom loves FaceBook; she literally posts every day, but this day was sort of a hard hit.

So what happened was my mom got tired of her old name on Facebook, so she changed it to Thatmilf85, and I don't want to explain what milf means, but she got a lot of DM's from a lot of old guys. BUT, this one exact guy named Johnny Sins asked my mom if she wanted to do an adult film. I don't know what that is. I think it's an adult movie, of course, so she says yes and flies out to San Diego, and she never came back after yesterday, and to YOU Johnny Sins, my mom better be Ok and that adult film better be an adult movie and not a por...