My jokes
Evan, yo mum rode on my big PP love, dad.
All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
I played Uno with my Mexican friend.
That bastard took all the green cards!
Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"
Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
My marriage was on the rocks, so I buried my wife under some.
My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.
I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.
So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.
I like my woman how I like my wine, just under 2 years old.
Ayo imagine having a chocolate fountain, but instead it cost a billion dollars a gallon and you have a hundred thousands, that number will never equate to how many porno magazines and alcoholic beverages and malty liquors stolen from my brother's bedroom as a desperate attempt at being edgy. Ayo, maybe instead of the future cars being powered by petroleum oil and gas, but with hot chocolate.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
I like my women how I like my cigarettes: Smokin’ hot, and with a little saliva on the butt.
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.
Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!
I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
What does General Grievous say after he gets his penis growth pills?
A fine addition to my erection.