My jokes

I think my dad loves jokes.

Because he laughs when he looks at me.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."

I told my grampa hello, and I said, "Hope you die!" hahahhhhahahahahahhahahahhahaha

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Why did my brother cross the road?

Because he was looking for his brain.

My gf told me she was pregnant, so I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me why the hell I did that. I told her I wanted to let her know I’m pro abortion.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted me and my dad and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home.

I have WWII in my blood since my great-grandfather killed Hitler.

I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...

There is someone in my class named Henry Rocket Rueben, and he always says he rockets into my mom.

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

Um, I need help. How should I deal with depression?

Joke: I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."