My jokes

Lmao Trump and Putin dislike my jokes! 🤣😂

Hello my fellow Canadians, I mean Americans. I, your cool and hip president, has decided to give everyone free ice cream! Even the Russians. Go out to your local ice cream shop and make sure to leave your kids at home!

What did the naked man say to the naked woman?

"Suck my dick."

9/11 is like me after I'm finished with my Lego house. I destroy it! 😄🤣

God, I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

UGHHHHHHH TODAY WAS TERRIBLE! My wife got hit by a bus!!! And I lost my job as a bus driver!

My mom loved taking pics of me when I was a child. Thanks to that, people really believe my fake smiles! :3

So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"

I hate my wife.

*cue laugh*

Cool kid: I slept with your sister.

Me: Never knew my brother was a girl.

Everyone else: :O

I like my girls like my file systems...

FAT and 16.

The other day I lost all my crayons.

I just wish I had a shoulder to cray on.

I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.

I had to get my dog. Is it a tree? Was your time and I had fun today after dinner. I had...

Me: "You wanna see my dad?"

Some kid: "Yeah?"

Me: "Close your eyes and he will appear."

Some kid: "He ain't appearing."

Me: "Sorry I thought he would appear for you. He won't appear for me."

*The kid laughs*

Moral: Not everything is supposed to be funny text if you notice what was really going on. 🙃

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

- That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.

As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.

As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.

Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"

What is the difference between shroud and a shroud imposter?

Shroud uses reddit, and the imposter uses WJE.

Reddit king and q, I really dgaf what you say, you guys are practically obsessed with me cuz ur leaving hate comments on almost all my jokes, so stop. You're obviously gonna look bad if you just insult meh jokes.

If you guys dont like my jokes, you can just dislike and not leave a comment, ok?

Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.

BOB: Wanna know a joke?

LILLY: What? Your hat?

BOB: No, my life :'(