My jokes

Your hairline is so far back that even my dad wasn't fetching the milk back then.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.

My wife and I were at the park with our little princess today.

We decided to go back home, then some jerk had the nerve to shout, "Stop those two! They have my daughter!"

Hi, my name is Crappy. I like tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and ya now GET LOST!

Suck my dick when you lay. I have to say you are gay.

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.

Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"

My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”

“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

Stormtrooper: My lord, what should we do with all this beef?

Palpatine: Stew it.

My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.

What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!

They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.

Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.

Your hairline be lookin' like my negative bank account balance -1,000,000.

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"

The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."

Hi, my name's Dixy.

Dixy Normis.