My jokes

What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"

He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"

I was running away from expired grocery items with my friend, when I got out I noticed he was left for bread. I felt so guilty, he was toast. I'm not loafing this.

Stroke victims are my heroes.

My favorite is Louis C.K.

Stormtrooper: My lord, what should we do with all this beef?

Palpatine: Stew it.

I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂

My life.

Kill me, please.

My dad was on a hotdog with ketchup.

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke about sodium, and they said, "Na."

If I was going to the doctor, he asked me to turn around, and he stuck a nettle in my ass.

Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.

My happiness.

My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.

My dick is like the way home for an orphan, its length is never-ending.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage...

My boner had better structural support than the Twin Towers.

Not to be rude or anything, but I'm not adopted. My boyfriend is, and some of these are really mean because sometimes their parents give them up just because they're ugly or just because of their skin color. We should stop making fun of them, and yes, I do giggle sometimes, but they can be really hurtful sometimes.

So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.