My jokes

My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?

Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

My friends' titties are bigger than my sakuras.

Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

Are you a marry, because you are my mother?

What do the Twin Towers and my ex have in common?

They both fell on my dad.

I hate family reunions. I see too many of my exes there.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

I shidded out my baby, then became a fish.

My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

Listen, my brothers, if you see a photo of her with another person,

Just go to her house and shoot her with your AK47.

My enemy likes to act like he’s stupid sometimes, and so once he asked me what a sin was, and I responded with, “you.”

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

It smells like something died in my room, oh yeah, it's my dignity, hope, and my feeling. Put in the corner of my room, they make a decent blanket to wipe my tears.

Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.

I gave my sister a compliment and said she's pretty, then while she was saying thanks, I said, "pretty ugly."

Me: You are pretty. Her: Thanks. Me: Pretty ugly.