My jokes

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

My favorite book is "Brown Spots on the Ceiling" by Ho Fung Poo.

One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

Your mum is so fat, when she was in front of my apartment, I couldn't get in.

My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa saw it before you!

Your arms are open. They stretch towards me, Reaching, grabbing, pulling me, Surrounding me, Drowning me in my helplessness. Time standing still, inside here. Looking through windows, time passing by. Let me go, will ya?

If you make a joke about me, I'll tell my mom.

My enemy likes to act like he’s stupid sometimes, and so once he asked me what a sin was, and I responded with, “you.”

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

If my mom decides to get Chick-fil-A for dinner, and when I decide to eat my family for dinner, is that called cannibalism?

My birthday's on September 11th, I'm gonna turn the fuck up and throw a banger! Then rub my tits in birthday cake frosting!!! WOOOOOOOOO!

My parents created a joke 11 years ago and people are still laughing at it, but I know it's not me because jokes have meaning.

I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

A "monster" that has 2 heads, 2 bodies, 6 feet, why am I not afraid of the "monster"? It's my dad riding a horse.

It smells like something died in my room, oh yeah, it's my dignity, hope, and my feeling. Put in the corner of my room, they make a decent blanket to wipe my tears.