My jokes

Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Daveon is my blud, cuh.

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.

Say my name if you like "Breaking Bad."

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.

The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.