My jokes

When you tell her you are about to "COME," she says no, don't, please just keep going.

Shenron: THAT IS BEYOND MY POWER.

My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.

Guy: Are you tired?

His “Crush”: No.

Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?

His “Crush”: That’s sweet.

Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.

What did Vegeta say to Bulma?

What?

Can I show you my new move? It's called BIG BANG ATTACKKKK! :)

Everyone makes mistakes. Like my mom, she made a mistake 13 years ago.

My mom said, "Hey, come over here."

I responded, "Too late, Mom!"

Person: My left ear is ringing.

Friend: Then answer it!

I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.

For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:

Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."

Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."

Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!

Me: My therapist says I need those to live.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

My dick harder than stone, man.

I said to my girlfriend nothing can ever make you look ugly...

Because you already look ugly.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Most people my age have had sex. Not my fault I'm not able to fit in.

Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.