My jokes

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.

Say my name if you like "Breaking Bad."

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.

The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.