My jokes
What does Marine stand for?
My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.
Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.
About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."
Mom asked, "Why?"
Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."
When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.
I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.
"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
I had an operation on my knee, but it was a joint effort.
Roses are tree.
I shoved a battery up my butt.
Loona from Helluva Boss is a retarded mutt.
I had a teacher named Mr. Stubs. I asked why he was given that name, and he replied, "My parents said my limbs were spare parts."
I woke up in my bed today.
I tried phone sex once, lost my bits to a stray "call waiting" beep. Very painful. Never again.
My friend went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in a crate.
He said it was a Shitzoo!
What's the worst thing to say at a live birth?
"Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
What is harder than steel?
My cousin at the family reunion.
My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."
My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!
They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!
I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.
I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.