My jokes

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

My plants in my garden are like the Twin Towers; neither of them fell, just the flowers.

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.

My boss found my permanent record at the orphanage, and he’s mad. I got fired...

My guy: I have a Q-Tip.

Me: You can Q my tip.

My guy: Ayo!

I traveled through time to get my dad back.

I failed because I was 1e21 years off.

I have said a ton of jokes in my lifetime.

But I got fired from that job.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.

It got too out of hand and I got spanked.

Wow! The jokes on here are so dark they pick my cotton!

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandpa.

Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?

My enemy: Uh, no, why?

Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.

I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.

Read my name.

My mom picked my major.

My friend asked which is better to have, and you have to choose: autism or Down syndrome?

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.