My jokes

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

Listen, if my mom sees me on Roblox at 3 a.m., she said she would bang my head against the keyboardndfndfnnckvnksdvknkdsfnvbfw.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

my grandfather cant a woman's taco anymore cause his balls fell off from getting to many tacos

My family is like a cactus. They're a bunch of pricks.

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

My mom is telling me to get off Friday Night Funkin' or she will slam my head against the keyboard: weherhrqqkh[qokqho[krq3[t4i2-4q43q343q44334q43.

I've been looking for my parents for years.

For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.

You can't YEE your last HAW!

But I put my BALLS in ur JAW.

1273. My mother does not love me, nor does anyone, and my family doesn't either.

Why are my students so naughty?

Best pick up line EVER.

There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.

Alright class, the person who answers my next question gets to go home.

Then a guy throws a pencil. The teacher asks, "Who threw that pencil?" "I did, I get to go home."

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

What's the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? At least my dad didn't get shot in the eye.

I got a GTR yesterday, now my kids say, "GTR we there yet?"

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.