My jokes
My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.
She said help, so I kicked her.
My birthday's on September 11th, I'm gonna turn the fuck up and throw a banger! Then rub my tits in birthday cake frosting!!! WOOOOOOOOO!
One of my friends got a haircut, and everyone giggled and bullied him... I didn’t, I died of laughter 😂
I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
I got an iPhone 14 for my brother? That was the best trade I ever made.
God is you... If you have a dog
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
I asked my French mate if he had a games console. He said, "Oui!"
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
Silly joke! Where’s my natcho? You have it :excuse me it’s nacho cheese 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.
Read my name.
I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.
Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.
Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.
Husband: The second we entered the beach,
Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.
If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.
The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!
I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.