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My jokes

Dad

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

Girlfriend

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. šŸ˜¢šŸ˜¢šŸ˜¢

Memes

My memes

Apology

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

Relationship

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: Iā€™m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: Whatā€™s wrong with you? Heā€™s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Donā€™t swear and okay, bud.

God

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

Friend

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

Orphan

Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*

No one:

Literally no one:

Me: Time to make his life hell.šŸ˜ˆ

Tool

Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!

Fruit, vegetables, my arms.

Fan

For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:

Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."

Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."

Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

Technology

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Rocket League

I know this is supposed to be an emo joke, but does anyone want to play Rocket League?

I'm on PS4, by the way!

My name: Box3d_by_Clapped

Murder

Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty ā€œfriendā€.

Drug

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!

Me: My therapist says I need those to live.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_