My jokes

I like my coffee like I like my women.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

My social life.

There's an orphan in my class... For some reason, he never leaves.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?

You brighten my day.

My friend tried to sleep on napkins.

I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.

My puns are awesome, pure gold.

I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

Friend: Do you know him?

Other Friend: Know who?

Friend: My dick!

What did the substrate say to the active site?

"C'mon baby, we fit together, open my door lock to f**kin' key."

Hi, my name's Dixy.

Dixy Normis.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

No one has my back like my dad.

"There are 20 letters in the alphabet, correct?"

"No, it's 26."

"Oh, I forgot, you are a cutie."

"You're missing one more."

"I'll give you the D later."

"....come to my office at 1pm ASAP."

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.