My jokes

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My science teacher was talking about natural selection.

At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.

If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."

You know what I told my little brother plane?

I just got my COVID vaccine, and this lady said, "You have no idea what you put in your body." I said, "Yet you are eating chorizo."

I left my Avatar at home today.

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Why was Sonic fast?

To be rolling around at the speed of sound, got places to go, gotta follow my lead.

Daveon is my blud, cuh.

First bite: Oh my God!

Second bite: Oh my, God!

I am Asian.

I am so Asian my pronouns are: heeEEE/Ya.

Pulled pork? Yeah, I cranked my hog today, too.

I turned gay because my wife is too poor.

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

I had a steering wheel down my pants, and I tell you what, it was driving my balls crazy!

I asked my friend, "Shouldn't we have 6 senses?"

He replied, "What is the 6th sense?"

"Common sense," I shot back while looking at the kid who was going to detention. "Never mind," I said.

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

Raju: How about you, Sunil?

Do you know?

Sanju: Sunil is my long distance

is a brother.

Raju: Long brother?

Sanju: Yes, because I live in Ratnagiri and he lives in Nagpur.