My jokes

When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.

"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."

What makes my life so unfair?

You invading it for no apparent reason.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

Roses are tree.

I shoved a battery up my butt.

Loona from Helluva Boss is a retarded mutt.

I woke up in my bed today.

My local pet store sells prong collars to get dogs to behave.

But when I tried them on an Alzheimer's patient, I got fired from the nursing home.

One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"

The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"

The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

My life. BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHA

My sister looks like Santa Claus.

"You are so pretty?"

"No, too many people!"

My husband wants to tell me about my childhood.

Ok, I can't access the panel without the password.

Nechen has been writing articles for the class for years.

Then the Guru asked him, "If I die now, what will be on my grave?" Fritchen searched for the plastic bag and shouted, "This is a protective bag!!"

I had an operation on my knee, but it was a joint effort.

I had a teacher named Mr. Stubs. I asked why he was given that name, and he replied, "My parents said my limbs were spare parts."