My jokes
My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.
My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"
My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!
Memes
They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!
I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.
I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
My heart is dead.
I’m such a fool.
Why did I fall for you?
My brother was stuck in a wheelchair after a motorbike accident. He became a swimming champion until I took the VR headset off.
What do you call a pig in a blanket?
My wife on a cold day.
Your life? Wanna hear a sadder one?
My life.
My PC.
My Butterfingers slipped.
What do you call a green camel?
My parents left me.
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
From the wise words of my friend, "You ain't a man 'til you had a man."
My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.
Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.
Spell "Peppa." Okay. P. E. P. P. A. Hahaha! You said peepee.
I tried this with my sister Makenna because she loves Peppa Pig and has a backpack of it. So I told her to spell her backpack's letters and tricked her... And she is only four years old and my secret is I am only eight years old.
My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.
It was really heavy on me.