My jokes

I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.

My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.

What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

What does your dad's cock and Darryl's Savouries have in common?

I want them both in my mouth!

The only food I want to review is my wife's rear end.

Aaaah, I really wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor...

I really need some new parts to my go-kart.

Can I put my balls in your jaw <3?

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

What do you call two emos in a chemistry lab?

My Chemical Romance.

The smartest kid in my class says "is-land" instead of "island."

Spring is here, I got so excited, I wet my plants!

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

Roses are red, my toaster too,

Oh shit, I've burnt the house down, what do I do?