My jokes

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

I got jealous when my phone died.

I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

I asked the emo at my school if he got jealous when his phone died.

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.

I threw my boomerang and now I live in constant fear.

Why did my [redacted] a girl because she said, "Uh."

Why did my dad leave me and my mum?

I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"

I will remember my auntie's last words: "If you shoot me, your p-nis is small!"

(gun shot)