My jokes

My grandfather has the heart of a lion!! 🦁

In a jar on his desk along with a lifetime ban from the zoo...

After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."

My parents came back from their vacation in Florida, and all I got is this lousy nursemaid from Miami named mammie.

Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?

Friend: Sure.

Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.

Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?

Me: Aren't you my son?

Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.

There was a woman sitting with me.

I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.

I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.

My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."

I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...

“Are you still holding the ladder??”

Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.

Almost all of you suck. If you're following me, hah, this isn't a joke, but it gave my profile a 1 thingy heheh. KYS, Wade =D

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...

I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.

Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.

Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,

'Cause she was transgender.

Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.

As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"

YOUR MOM sucks my dick 24/7.

What is the difference when I have my dick in your mouth or when you have yours in mine?

Oh, I forgot, you don't got one, bitches, suck my dick.

No offense to anyone though. I don’t understand why everyone is bullying a person named Gwen?

My opinion is well “it’s just a regular person wanting to do jokes. You never know. It could be an adult or a kid.”

So leave her alone. Thank you. 😁

My friend is blind.

So he always says he cannot Nazi.

How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.