My Jokes

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.

I got jealous when my phone died.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?

Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.

I didn't steal it. 🌚

I don't joke about 9/11 because I lost my dad. He was the best pilot I ever knew.

My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

I looked at your hairline, and when I saw you, I thought to myself of the last time I was a baby.

My grandma just died from cancer.

My last words to her were “I like your cut, G.”