My jokes
My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."
Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.
We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.
My friend Harry.
I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.
Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.
My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.
But don't worry I think she was just joking.
Memes
I ate my mom.
L bozos fell like my grandma on the stairs.
I was lip to lip yesterday, and now I can't get the cum out of my mouth.
My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.
I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."
You're so skinny my grandma gonna use you like a cane.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
I ordered my sandwich at a restaurant on 9/11 spicy, it came out plain.
Orphan: Have you seen my mommy?
Person: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes?
Person: SON SON??? IS THAT YOU MY LOVE?
Orphan: MOTHER!
Person: Let's go home!
Orphan: Uhhhh
*She was never to be seen again*
A B C D E F G.
Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!
My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"
My dad left me, lol.
Roses are red.
I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!
One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.
What's the difference between my dad and Nemo?
I don't know. I still haven't found them.