My jokes

My dog once went to Uranus. 🐶🤣🤣🤣

You know, because dogs sniff Uranus? 😂😂😂

I ate my mom.

L bozos fell like my grandma on the stairs.

My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.

But don't worry I think she was just joking.

If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

Orphan: Have you seen my mommy?

Person: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes?

Person: SON SON??? IS THAT YOU MY LOVE?

Orphan: MOTHER!

Person: Let's go home!

Orphan: Uhhhh

*She was never to be seen again*

You're so skinny my grandma gonna use you like a cane.

I was raised as an only child.

Which really annoyed my twin sister.

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.

My gamer tag is TheBigAut.

I love to decorate my room because it's a great way to express your heart, though I just remembered, my room is pretty black and empty...

I was lip to lip yesterday, and now I can't get the cum out of my mouth.

My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

I ordered my sandwich at a restaurant on 9/11 spicy, it came out plain.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Guy 1: "Stop looking at my ass!" Guy 2: "I said look at Uranus." Guy 1: "I'm looking at uranus!" Guy 2: "I said Uranus like the planet!" Guy 1: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"