My jokes
My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.
My dad was a great pilot...
He died in 9/11.
A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.
My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.
Memes
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?
I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.
AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!
My name is Gunter.
Gunter Gunter is dead.
Gunter Gunter stuffed my cat's head. ;D
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.
I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"
Why does my mum eat carrots?
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."
Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.