My jokes
I love my mom.
My dog once went to Uranus. 🐶🤣🤣🤣
You know, because dogs sniff Uranus? 😂😂😂
I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.
Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.
If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"
I was raised as an only child.
Which really annoyed my twin sister.
Memes
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
Twin Towers are like my parents: 2 left and 1 came back.
What did the racist Catholic priest say?
"Martin Luther? Not my king!"
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink, but they wouldn’t listen, so he kept warning them. Then he was kicked out of the theater.
My gamer tag is TheBigAut.
My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mom." "Your mom who?" "It's not your mom, it's my mom!"
1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?
2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.
3. My foot lasts longer than your life.
I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.
My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."
Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.
We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.