My jokes

My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.

Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

What is the difference between you and my dad?

Nothing.

My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.

I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

Why does my mum eat carrots?

My name is Gunter.

Gunter Gunter is dead.

Gunter Gunter stuffed my cat's head. ;D

Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.

Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.