My jokes
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
My dad was a great pilot...
He died in 9/11.
My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.
A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
I asked Stephen if he was an organ donor, and he said why.
I said, "That's a shame. I need parts for my go-cart."
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom raises his mug and says, "Okay, get rid of my tea."
Genie: Poof!
Tom: It didn't work.
My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.
My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"
Roses are red,
my life is a disaster,
the children are fast,
but the combine is F A S T E R!
If one of ya'll could find my weave, that'd be great!
My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."
I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.
I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mom." "Your mom who?" "It's not your mom, it's my mom!"
1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?
2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.
3. My foot lasts longer than your life.
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
Twin Towers are like my parents: 2 left and 1 came back.
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink, but they wouldn’t listen, so he kept warning them. Then he was kicked out of the theater.
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?