My jokes
My son always said he wanted to skydive, so we went on a plane, and mid-flight, we had to jump out. The only issue is we were on a commercial flight to Arizona.
My mum told me to take out the trash, but I couldn’t find you.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
My family is like a cactus. They're a bunch of pricks.
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.
His wife was up waiting for him.
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
Nechen has been writing articles for the class for years.
Then the Guru asked him, "If I die now, what will be on my grave?" Fritchen searched for the plastic bag and shouted, "This is a protective bag!!"
My people are starving. Stop Africa jokes. Not funny >:(
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.
Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
Mommy kisses my butt.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
My dad went out with Nemo one day to the store. They still haven't come back.
On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, Cause comes near my Willy.
My girlfriend asked for a kiss, so I gave her my dick.
I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."