My jokes

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

My dad hits me :(

My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

I’m literally scratching my itchy balls right now.

Me and my friend were cranking 90s in Fortnite, then our other friend joined, started flying a plane. We died like all the people in 9/11.

What has 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 breasts for milking, and a hole to fill with my 9 inches?

A sexy female.

I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.

I got my sister a book and she cried there, but I forgot she was blind.

I'ma tell these to my adopted sister.

Bruh, people always makin' jokes 'bout how their dad left, well in my story it was the mum that needed milk.

(Me) Hey bro, tell me a joke!

(My friend) Your mom. *Starts Laughing*

(Me) *Fakes laughs* *then points a gun at him*

At this moment, he knew he fucked up.

I just wanted to write something random.

And now my wife is dead.

So, I was laying in bed and it's winter, so my room is always cold because the heater doesn't work.

And I was thinking.... It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me.... Then I laughed because who would wanna be with me. Hahaha

I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

You make the juice go through my power brick.

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...