My jokes

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.

The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.

After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."

What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?

My penis.

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.

I don't got a pencil or pen in this bookbag. Added like ten to the clip 'cause it look bad. Don't give a fuck if you pissed, nigga, get mad. Or you can bitch and get killed with your bitch ass. Lil' bro got blood on his shirt with his Crip ass. Go write a diss and get murked, don't do shit ass. Bitch, I'm a star, I might burst with my stiff ass. Hop out the car like, "Who want it? Who with that?" I don't know nothin', I was gone when they did that. Bandana wrapped where my chrome and my wig at. If he want beef, hit his home with a Big Mac. Niggas be breakin' the code like a Kit-Kat. Runnin' your mouth like a ho get you bitch-slapped.

A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."

My disabled dad went to the grocery store.

He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.

Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.

To All The Naruto Fans:

Sharingan is red, Rasengans are blue, If you dare touch my daughter, I'll Chidori you!

Thank the Lord for my two huge balls!

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.

A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."

(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

My dad hits me :(

Me and my friend were cranking 90s in Fortnite, then our other friend joined, started flying a plane. We died like all the people in 9/11.

What has 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 breasts for milking, and a hole to fill with my 9 inches?

A sexy female.

I got my sister a book and she cried there, but I forgot she was blind.

I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.