My jokes

What has 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 breasts for milking, and a hole to fill with my 9 inches?

A sexy female.

I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.

I'ma tell these to my adopted sister.

Bruh, people always makin' jokes 'bout how their dad left, well in my story it was the mum that needed milk.

(Me) Hey bro, tell me a joke!

(My friend) Your mom. *Starts Laughing*

(Me) *Fakes laughs* *then points a gun at him*

At this moment, he knew he fucked up.

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

You make the juice go through my power brick.

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...

My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.

Hi! I love my dog.

How do I feed the baby with my pants on?

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

Me and my friend were cranking 90s in Fortnite, then our other friend joined, started flying a plane. We died like all the people in 9/11.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My dad hits me :(

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.