My jokes

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?

Nothing, they both stain.

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"

Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.

Words that have "ho" in them:

Thot

Whore

Asshole

Horrible

Horena (my ex gf)

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

Rachel: Alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.

Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.

I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.