My jokes

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."

*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵

Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

Me: Knock knock.

My sister: Who's there?

Me: I eat mop.

My sister: I eat mop who?

My mind: I eat my poo.

My sister getting it.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

What did the plane say to the tower? "Yo, can I crash at your place for a bit, and can my boy crash at your boy's place?"

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are hee/hee.

Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.

Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 🤣