My jokes

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

Rachel: Alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.

Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.

I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

My face.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.

I like my women like my family, they’re related.