My jokes

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are hee/hee.

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?

Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?

He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.

Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 🤣

What is black and white and red all over?

Answer: A newspaper.

That is what my 3-year-old told me.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

Cancer doesn't leave.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"

A morbid joke would be what's going on in my mind.