My jokes
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.
My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.
I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.
What did the plane say to the tower? "Yo, can I crash at your place for a bit, and can my boy crash at your boy's place?"
Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.
The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...
What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?
Elementary, my dear Watson!
It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.
Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!
I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.
He thought it was eggcellent.
My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.
So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.
Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
Hey.
Girl: Hey.
Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.
Girl: What?
It says "spray on flat surfaces."
No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people, and I wish them the best. Best of luck.
So, at school there are these twins. At my school, I folded two paper airplanes to throw at them. Once I realized why it felt so wrong to do it, I had already threw them. I hit the north, then the south one.