My jokes

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?

He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.

Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.

Girl: What?

It says "spray on flat surfaces."

Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?

The dirtiest football player in my school was the smallest.

He was just trying to find out who was tickling his balls.

Me: Knock knock.

My sister: Who's there?

Me: I eat mop.

My sister: I eat mop who?

My mind: I eat my poo.

My sister getting it.

When I shit in the toilet, I think that if I shit hard enough, I can see my asshole plug.

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were.

Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.

Have a guess who came crawling back?