My jokes

My favorite planet is Saturn because it is tight next to Uranus.

So, y'all remember Hitler, right?

Ok, so I own a gun with Nazi rounds. I shot a guy who was entering my home who wasn't invited. He said, "Did you shoot me with Nazi rounds?" Then I said, "Do you mean 'nein' millimeter?"

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.

My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?

Me: Yeh, of course.

My Bff: Ok which one?

Me: You know... the black one.

Me: Like my soul...

My Bff: Jeez you ok?

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Your mom who?

O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!

I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!

My grandma always loved to craft clothing. She dyed last week.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

So I stayed at my friend's house for a few days, and I was like, "OMG, why?" So, I am going home because I’m going to my best friend's house.

My name is Jamar and I come from afar, ALLAHU AKBAR!

Your hairline is so old, it’s more wrinkled than my great grandpa's penis.

I love climbing over walls because my ancestry was Mexican.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.