My jokes

Grandpa

    • I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.

    Bed

    • So, I was laying in bed and it's winter, so my room is always cold because the heater doesn't work.

    And I was thinking.... It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me.... Then I laughed because who would wanna be with me. Hahaha

    My memes

    Mum

    • Bruh, people always makin' jokes 'bout how their dad left, well in my story it was the mum that needed milk.

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    • Bro

    • (Me) Hey bro, tell me a joke!

    (My friend) Your mom. *Starts Laughing*

    (Me) *Fakes laughs* *then points a gun at him*

    At this moment, he knew he fucked up.

    Technology

    • My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

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    • Death

    • Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

    Cheese grater

    • Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.

    As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"

    Scarecrow

    • 1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

    2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

    3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

    4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

    5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

    6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

    7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

    8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

    9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

    10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

    11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

    12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

    13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

    14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

    15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

    16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

    17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

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    • Doctor

    • Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."

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    • Parent

    • My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

    Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.