My jokes

My face.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏

This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.

I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.

Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.

My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.

In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.