My jokes

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

My face.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?

Elementary, my dear Watson!