My jokes
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.
When I feel ugly, I just look at my brother and get over it.
She’s so therapeutic.
When I need to cure my restlessness, I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess!
What is blue and wiggling on my floor?
A baby in a bag.
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
What's the difference between me and my best friends?
At least one of us has a house.
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
My jacket tore a little bit. It's a ripper.
My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
My grandpa and your hairline go way back.
I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.
My mom holds up a hot dog and shouts, "WHO WANTS A WIENIE!?"
When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher 😎
Some dude: Water you thinking?
Me: You're drowning in my head.
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.
So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."