My jokes

Lick my BALLS!

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

Things you say before sex, Disney addition:

"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.

I don't know, my friend did it.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

What did the pelican say when he finished shopping?

"Put it in my bill."

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.

What were my great grandpa's last words?

"SHIT MG42!!!"

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.