My jokes

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

What did the plane say to the tower? "Yo, can I crash at your place for a bit, and can my boy crash at your boy's place?"

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.

Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.

Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 🤣

I cried when my dad cut onions.

Onions was a good dog.

I love to have sex. And my name is Lex. Which one should I be with next? I really hate my ex. I just saw a huge T Rex, And I think you probably saw this text.

Welcome for the rhyme.

When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."

*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵

Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."

What is black and white and red all over?

Answer: A newspaper.

That is what my 3-year-old told me.

My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

Cancer doesn't leave.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).