My Jokes

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.

Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

Rachel: Alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.

This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.

What’s the easiest way to dig a hole to China?

Through my arm.

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

My face.