My jokes
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"
Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
My grandad and your hairline go way back.
I hate snow. It's white and on my land.
I added Paul Walker on my Xbox, but all he does is sit on the dashboard.
My ex's love for me :(
I still love the dude sadly, but I won't take him back.
Who the f**k disliked my "yo mama" jokes? Comment now, b*tch!
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
My friend has a shovel made of gold. I guess you could call him a gold digger.
I lost my virginity once and found it in a store being sold off.
There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.
At least Stephen Hawking does something.