My jokes

*New teacher walks in* New Teacher: Hi there, class. My name is Mr. Willy. I will be your math teacher.

*Me in shock, "Willy"* Me: Willy Wonka, is that you?

I will never forget my little brother's last words, RIP.

His last words: "Paint doesn't taste good."

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?

Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!

I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

My life, ha ha funny!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

My wife left me and took the kids.

Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.

My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?

I remember having a crush on my math teacher, so I winked at her and said, "Don't worry, babe, I'll call you later."

I think my penis has facial recognition.

Sugar Honey Ice Tea.

I FORGOT MY JOKE!

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.

I was gonna tell you a joke about my abusive dad...

But I only remember the punch line👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.