My jokes
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)
Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!
Memes
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
When I feel ugly, I just look at my brother and get over it.
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
My jacket tore a little bit. It's a ripper.
She’s so therapeutic.
When I need to cure my restlessness, I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess!
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."
My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"