My jokes

This is fucked up, my name is Shaylie.

Depression: Here, your mom just died.

Me: My mom is already dead.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

Son: Dad, I'm gay.

Dad: I support you.

Son: I like you.

Dad: Get out and into my room!

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.

All of a guy's sons came out gay. He ordered 10 shots in a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who likes women?"

The man said, "My wife does!"

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

"Fortnite battlepass, I just shit out my ass."

Fortnite, Fortnite, did I mention Fortnite, Fortnite, Fortnite?

Join my beta communication community committee commission Cumbria, please guys and girls and gurls. It's all inclusive b&b.

I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡

My bum hurts.

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

... It was a bittersweet victory.

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.