My jokes
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Some dude: Water you thinking?
Me: You're drowning in my head.
"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."
Ok.
"Thank you, what is your wish?"
I wish for my 5 cents back.
What is blue and wiggling on my floor?
A baby in a bag.
When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher 😎
Memes
What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?
They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"
My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."
Your mom's my dad. Think about that!
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
I'm bone dry in material, but I have a skeleTON of skeleton jokes. After I tell you all these rib ticklers, you will have a bone to pick with if you didn't find that funny, you outta rip my spine out.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)
Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
When I feel ugly, I just look at my brother and get over it.
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!