My jokes

My mom left me at a very young age.

Chuck Norris: "I block bullets with my beard." Abraham Lincoln: "I catch bullets with my skull."

If her internal clock can tock, she can sit on my cock.

My favorite bath bomb is a toaster.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?

My clothes don't hang themselves.

Friend 1: I HATE YOU!

Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!

Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*

Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.

All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

A man goes into Heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa’s clock, it has never moved because she has never lied."

"There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice."

"Where is Donald Trump’s?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

I like my coffee black. Just like my soul.

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

I asked my brother who is autistic how he found his gf. He said on a special website.

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

My dick is like the way home for an orphan, its length is never-ending.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Roses are red.

Grass is green.

I think of you sucking my peen.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.

The Queen: "I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old that my pussy is haunted!"