My jokes

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

For jokes, search my YouTube channel: Knowledge with arslan.

I found a key that works for every door at my school.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

What do Ligma and Bofa have in common?

They both ride on my dick.

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When you ask an orphan to come over:

Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"

Orphan: "Yeah, sure."

Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."

I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.