My jokes

My dogs pooped in my shoes? Pooper.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

Teacher's pen is RED, our pen is BLUE, she is marking an EGG on my marksheet, left with questions and no CLUE.

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

For 9/11, I decided to bomb my twins.

It's not nice to make 9/11 jokes. My uncle died in 9/11...

He was one of al qaeda's best pilots.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

What does the plane that hit the Twin Towers and milk have in common?

My dad went to get both and never came back.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

Now I know what my priest meant by the second coming!

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"

Kid me: I lost my stick.

Teacher: No, you didn’t.

Kid me: How do you know that?

Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

So many things are going through my head.

How am I not dead yet?

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My favorite animal is a cheetah, so I hope the jokes are good.