My jokes
Kid me: I lost my stick.
Teacher: No, you didn’t.
Kid me: How do you know that?
Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.
A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.
I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.
So many things are going through my head.
How am I not dead yet?
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Memes
My favorite animal is a cheetah, so I hope the jokes are good.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Your hairline be lookin' like my negative bank account balance -1,000,000.
Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
Hii! Oh my gosh. It has been forever! How have you guys been? Comment your favorite movie!!!! <3
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.
My tower is hard, but after six minutes, it fell over.
My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.
I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.
What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.
The sexy towers are just like my sexy toes because when I crashed a plane into the tower, it burned and bled.
I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.
I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!