My jokes

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

My sister is so short she can't walk.

My hopes and dreams.

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

I wanted to play Fruit Ninja, but remembered I don’t have a phone. Guess I gotta draw fruit on my arm!

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?

I don’t have a Tesla in my garage.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

Deku: Hey Todoroki, are you done with your Halloween costume?

Todoroki: Yes. *comes out in a macaroni outfit*

Deku: Wha- I'm todoroni.

Bakugo: OMFG, I'm out! *blows up UA*

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

"Hold my beer, watch this."

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.