My jokes

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

When I get jokes. They aren't f****** restarted like you.

My sister.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

"What the fuck is in this drink?"

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

After I see an anime boy acting cool,

Me at school acting cool:

My brothers: "He's just acting cool."

Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.