My jokes

After I see an anime boy acting cool,

Me at school acting cool:

My brothers: "He's just acting cool."

Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0

My sister and a basketball got certain things in common.

My sister's tits and ass are bouncy like a basketball.

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

What did the rapper say to the computer?

“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."