My jokes

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"

Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"

Why did the cop ask the orphan if he was home alone?

The orphan said because my parents have never come back yet because I have none.

I like my humans like I like my chicken... Fully cooked.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!

I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

Orphans around my area only watched Youtube Shorts.

I asked them and then realized they can't click the home button.

Credit to my boy tippecanoe3 for this joke.

What do you call it when Panera isn’t hungry?

Panera fed.

Credit to RogueRobot for this one:

What does Panera sleep in?

Panera bed.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

Wheelchair soccer is just IRL Rocket League. Change my mind.

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!