My Jokes

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?

Wife: In a detective novel.

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.

Five years later, he came back and left again.

I love my dog and all dogs.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

A riddle: My enemy is the Joker, I'm black and I help to save Gotham City. Who am I?

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.