My jokes

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

Your hairline is so far back that I can't even back out of my car.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

All these 9/11 jokes need to stop.

My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loves: flying planes.

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.

I wish my grass was emo because then it would cut itself.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care!

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

Hii! Oh my gosh. It has been forever! How have you guys been? Comment your favorite movie!!!! <3

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

My favorite animal is a cheetah, so I hope the jokes are good.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Your hairline be lookin' like my negative bank account balance -1,000,000.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."