My jokes

I wanted to play Fruit Ninja, but remembered I don’t have a phone. Guess I gotta draw fruit on my arm!

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

My sister is so short she can't walk.

My hopes and dreams.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

I was at a My Chemical Romance meet and greet that Gerard didn’t attend, I just thought... “NO WAY!”

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

Organise my brother's bucks party and got confused when he asked for a hot 22 year old for I brought him 20 two yr Olds....

Good thing my brother's a little bit different.

"Jimmy Jimmy, Yes Papa,"

"Give away my Money, No Papa,"

"Telling Lies, OK, Ima Check my Bank Account."

My tower is hard, but after six minutes, it fell over.

I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.