My jokes

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

"What the fuck is in this drink?"

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.

When I get jokes. They aren't f****** restarted like you.

My sister.

My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot I have ever seen, though.

When a person in a wheelchair says, "You've never taken a step in my shoes," and you say, "To be honest, you haven't either."

My sister and a basketball got certain things in common.

My sister's tits and ass are bouncy like a basketball.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.