My jokes

An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

"What the fuck is in this drink?"

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?

"Alpaca my bags."

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."

Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

What’s the difference between orphans and cars?

I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.