My jokes

What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

What do you call my friends?...

Short.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!