My jokes

If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.

If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.

And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

Deku: Hey Todoroki, are you done with your Halloween costume?

Todoroki: Yes. *comes out in a macaroni outfit*

Deku: Wha- I'm todoroni.

Bakugo: OMFG, I'm out! *blows up UA*

My mates threw nuts at the wall, now we call them walnuts.

Hahaha :)

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

"I only eat food on the right of my plate."

"Are you good at eating?"

"I'm alright at eating."

My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.

I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

Now I know what my priest meant by the second coming!

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

For 9/11, I decided to bomb my twins.

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

What does the plane that hit the Twin Towers and milk have in common?

My dad went to get both and never came back.