My jokes

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.