My jokes
My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.
My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)
Me: I know, you always are...
Memes
My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
My brother when he sees a girl.
My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.
*at school*
Nobody: Do you want nuts?
Me: Wait, you have some?
Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.
Me: :0
I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.
My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.
My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.
I wish my hair was emo so it would cut itself.
I beat up my twin friends with a plane.
I want your cock in my rock bottom.
I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.
I be ready to commit suicide.
But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.
Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.
Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.
(meaning sad)