My jokes

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.

Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol

Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!

Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

Roses are red, My c0ck is blue, Oh shit, what happened to you?

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

Eat my ass!

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

I hear you like funny people. In fact, my whole life's a joke!

My Wi-Fi must be Kobe, because it crashed hard.

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.