My jokes

Stormtrooper: What should I do about my overdue library book?

Palpatine: Renew it!

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Big tits.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.

Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?

It took my sole.

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?

They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

Banker: I have the right to take your money!

Me: Check my name.

Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?

Banker: *realizes*

Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?

My dick.