My jokes

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

I wish my hair was emo so it would cut itself.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

I want your cock in my rock bottom.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

I take all my anger out on orphans. Why?

Because they have no parents to run to.

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.

"I spy with my little eye..."

- Noting I am blind -

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"