My jokes

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

My brother when he sees a girl.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.

Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.

Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.

Teacher: Why are you late!

Girl: I need my beauty sleep.

Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.