My jokes

My brother and I were roughhousing and accidentally knocked over our bookshelf. My mom came in and started asking who knocked it over, to which I replied that I only had my shelf to blame.

Hey, can I axe you a question?

My brother likes to build "traps" to capture our cat so he can pet it. I said it wasn't gonna catch anyone, he replied with "not going to stop who?" I told him not to worry that it could capture any two.

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

I just want to say good morning to Gwen and everyone on this site. Have a nice day.

What if it's okay if someone can see my blue jokes, hello, bully, love, crazy, and Ariana jokes? Thanks!

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

My pencil sharpener broke, so now my pencil is pointless.

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

My girlfriend's a porn star.

She'd kill me if she found out.

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

Okay, Gwen, I'll be offline for a while... so if anyone by my name types anything, it's a fake. The only way you know it's me is if I say one of my nicknames. Okay, so yeah, take care of my account while I'm gone. BYE!!!!

(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.

He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"

Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.

Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?

Then there is me: My life.

Baby, here's my anus.

Baby, too, where's my anus?

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.