My jokes

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.

He never talks about it.

Want my cookie? Come and get it... 😭

When the teacher gives me an F on my exam,

but I have an AK-47 in my backpack.

*Is honestly the best policy.*

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”

Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

Poor fella fell off the guard tower.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?