My jokes

You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.

Want my cookie? Come and get it... 😭

Are you Hiroshima? Because I want to drop my bomb inside you.

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.