My jokes
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.
(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)
I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.
I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."
10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,
It's great being a sniper.
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.
My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.
Scan my wrist for 75% off!
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."