My jokes
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.
You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.
My friend: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂
Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*
Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he is just Dav.
I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.