My jokes

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

"Hipity hopity, get the f*ck off my property!"

My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 27. Because my basement's still dark...

BF: Babe, I have two questions.

GF: Ok, ask!

BF: Where have you been all my life?

GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?

BF: Can you please go back there?

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.

My friend put an action toy and called it Kobe and put it on a drone. I realized that my friend didn't know how to fly a drone.

The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.

When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.

She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

Your hairline is so old, it’s more wrinkled than my great grandpa's penis.

Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You look run down." The guy says, "No, I've come on my bike!"

I should name my dog Ariana Grande.

That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande.

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."