My jokes
I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
If her internal clock can tock, she can sit on my cock.
Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?
A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!
Yo, hairline is as accurate as my jump shot.
I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."
I aced my poker test...
My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...
A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...
Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and went up to her mom and asked, "Mom, I have hair on my privates, what is it?"
"Oh honey, that's your monkey," the mom says.
So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says, "My monkey has hair on it!" So the sister replies with a laugh, "You think that's cool? My monkey is already eating bananas!"
Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.
I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.
Hi, my name's Dixy.
Dixy Normis.
Why does my dad hate me? Really, please tell me, I'm tired of the constant abuse and pain.
A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"
Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."