My jokes

The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

I had an Alzheimer's joke, but something's fogging up my mind.

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

My mother said I'm sexy. I said no, I have cancer.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

Knock knock!!

Who's there??

Dishwasher!!

Dishwasher who??

Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in!

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

Wanna hear a joke? My life! Hahahah! Just kidding, jokes actually mean something...

Website: Submit a joke :-)

Me: My life.

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not 343,646 because my basement is still as dark as yours.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

"That's not my name, but okay, that's cool. My name is Coco, but okay, and I already knew Jayden was a boy who is bi."

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"