My jokes

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.

My friend: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."