My jokes

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”

The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”

So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”

When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”

The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”

I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!

I wanted to get brain surgery.

I changed my mind.

What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.

My heart is like a plane.

It crashes every once in a while.

"Immobile" means "I'm mobile" in my books.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?

"Billie Jean is not my lover!"

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."

I played Kobe Bryant on 2k14, but my console somehow kept crashing.

Orphan: Am going to see my mom in the kitchen because they are always in there.

Orphan: Realizes.

My friend told me to name a country in Africa.

So I said, "Hungry."

My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.