My jokes

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.

My friend: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂

Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.

Have you heard my cherry joke? It's pitiful.

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.