My jokes
If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.
(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)
I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.
I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."
My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.
Scan my wrist for 75% off!
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
Memes
Gays are always welcome on my Redneck Party Bus. NOT!
What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.
Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.
Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.
Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.
I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.
I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!
What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?
I beat both of them.
My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.
My friend: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂