My jokes

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.

Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.

My friend: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.

He never talks about it.

Are you Hiroshima? Because I want to drop my bomb inside you.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"