My jokes

Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.

One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)

Are you a wild girl, cause I want to catch you with my pokeballs?

So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.

I hate my wife.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

Orphan: Where are my parents?

God: New York City.

Orphan: But they used to live in China.

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

Me: Bomber333 is the imposter!

Other Crewmate: Why do you say that as if you know who the imposter is with 100% certainty?

Then he read my username and knew.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.

What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?

My dick.

My grandpa died to ligma.

Ligma balls lol.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.

The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."

So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."