My jokes

I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

Scan my wrist for 75% off!

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

BF: Babe, I have two questions.

GF: Ok, ask!

BF: Where have you been all my life?

GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?

BF: Can you please go back there?

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.