My jokes
Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.
Want to know what I do in my freetime?
Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.
What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?
I beat both of them.
Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3
Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.
Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.
Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
My balls are high, just like the towers, but when something impales them, they begin to sag.
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.
I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.
I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
"Hey, hey, Spongebob! Water you doing?" [laughs]
"Just looking for all my coins with my metal detector because beach better have my money!" [laughs]
"How much have you found so far?"
"Y'know what, I'm not really shore!" [laughs]
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.