My jokes

I wish my lawn was emo, so I would not have to cut it, it would cut itself.

Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?

"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩

My dad is nice!

Do you know what my favorite time of day is?

6:30, hands down.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

What is the difference between runners and my car?

My car is still running.

My girlfriend accuse me of cheating. I asked her what was I supposed to do? She was just lying naked she said just do the damn autopsy.

I diddled for a total of 67 times. I am the ultra Gooner. My cum is everywhere. I am the goon master.

My anxiety has anxiety.

I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.