My jokes

What's the similarity between my son and a rug from eBay? I asked for a refund.

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

Your mama's so fat that she can’t even talk, even if Kevin says, "Oh my gosh!" 'cause she has a big ass mouth.

What does a knife have but not my life...

A point.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.

My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

1 like = 1 small dick whiny conservative in my blender.

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

Do you want to know my motto when I’m bored?

Punch an orphan, who is he going to tell, his mom?

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

The cashier asked if I wanted to give my extra dollar to the poor. I said sure, and I got a Cash App notification for $1.

My parents found my YT channel. I hate myself now, and I'm emotional.

SELF HARM

Today my biology teacher asked me what's commonly found in a cell......... And apparently "black people" isn't the right answer.