My jokes
Michael Jackson goes to his favorite bakery and says to the workers, "This is my favorite baker, hehe."
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!
I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.
My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!
My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.
So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.
What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?
"My bum hurts!"
How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.
But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!
My ex died today.
I also lost my job as a butcher.
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...
How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"