My jokes
My ex died today.
I also lost my job as a butcher.
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!
What are the similarities between the twin towers and my ex?
They both went down on my dad.
Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
Michael Jackson goes to his favorite bakery and says to the workers, "This is my favorite baker, hehe."
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"
People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!
My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.
I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.
My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔
How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.
So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.
What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?
"My bum hurts!"
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.
But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...
How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"