My jokes
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.
I know this isn't the real chicken wing song, but my version...
"Chicken wing, chicken wing, I want your mommy. Slap her with my hairy salami while she's still yawning."
Make your own chicken wing song and put it in the comments... :)
I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.
After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
My penis.
What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?
Me & my dad!
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
What are the similarities between the twin towers and my ex?
They both went down on my dad.
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!
My love life.
I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"
I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.
People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!