My jokes
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.
I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.
What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?
I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.
My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.
I know this isn't the real chicken wing song, but my version...
"Chicken wing, chicken wing, I want your mommy. Slap her with my hairy salami while she's still yawning."
Make your own chicken wing song and put it in the comments... :)
What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?
Me & my dad!
My aunt worked as a human cannonball.
I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.
My love life.
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.