My jokes
Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"
Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"
So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)
What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.
My eggs are just like my dad... nonegg-istent.
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!
How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.
I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.
I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."
My sex life.
1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4. You just tried number three.
5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.
6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.
7. You skipped number 5.
8. You just checked if there was a number 5.
9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.