My jokes

My mom got a clown for my birthday, but it ended up being my sister. 🤡

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.

Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.

I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.

Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.

What is an orphan’s least favorite song? We Are Family.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite TV show? Family Guy.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.

What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.

What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.

Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.

What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.

Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.

What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin.

Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.

Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.

My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.

I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.

I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys.

Thank you, Jesus, for creating holy water!

What do you call a person with a flip flop?

My dad.