My jokes

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

I wish my nails were emo so that they would cut themselves.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

What do you call a kid named Caitlyn?

My best friend.

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.