My jokes

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

My sex life.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.

2. You can't count your hair.

3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You just tried number three.

5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.

6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.

7. You skipped number 5.

8. You just checked if there was a number 5.

9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."